fear of disappearing

Alright, an update.

In the past week I've been called Anti-American, pro-terrorist, a member of the New Left, and against the military. Wow. I didn't know someone who worked for DoD could be so not patriotic.

Oh well, on to better news. I am now a graduate student at George Washington University. My search is over. My dreams have come true. All is well again. And I can tell the people at VCU to fuck themselves....all except Fiona, of course. She's my fr-double i-end. I'll be studying philosophy and social policy. Bit by bit I'll be able to learn how to make the world better. Two or so years of just working, and then, by the time I'm out of my 20s, with family and degrees in hand I shall go forth and spread the good news. As of right now I don't knwo what that good news will be, but hopefully we'll find out, won't we?

Maybe I can run for office? I could run on a platform of being "anti-American, pro-terrorist, a member of the New Left, and against the military." ::Sigh::

The house is slowly, and I mean very slowly shaping up. But i did some work on it today. I've got a paper to write, that will come easy once I write it and obviously, now that I'm jumping I don't really care how well stated the plot of the paper is. I just need it to be done. That and the whole damned semester.

Anyway. I'm almost in a band. Work is going really well and my mom told me that, since getting into GW, I have made her a very proud mother. Finally, I hope it lasts.

I need to really learn how to meditate.

Current Mood: blank

Andrew Meyer is a student at the University of Florida. Yesterday, John Kerry came to speak at UF and Andrew Meyer, a paranoid student, asked some questions and refused to yield the floor. Here is a video of the questions and the beginning of the arrest:




What bothers me about this is what it says about people in my generation. We are paranoid. Anyone who has been listening for the past 10 years should be paranoid. No one has been strong enough or gotten the chance to ask these questions. He did. From what I've read from a student who was there, he went about it in the wrong way. But Senator Kerry can be heard on the audio saying that he will answer the questions.

The main idea behind his questions is that there is some kind of conspiracy involved. On the first level, the outer level of the question that may be what he's saying and he may not realize it, but he's saying something deeper as well. The system is falling down around us. Why did Senator Kerry give up on the day of the election when votes hadn't been counted? Why haven't they impeached President Bush? The conspiracy theory is in between these questions--that there is a government system that says who will be president, etc, and it somehow involves Skull and Bones (the secret society that both Bush and Kerry belong to).

By the end of the video you can see just how far the system has broken apart. The police haul him off, eventually tasering him. He asks for help, no one helps. Here is the video of the whole arrest:




People are thrilled to watch this. You can see it int he video that people are enthralled. Happy to see someone get arrested. Though, today, groups have beens tarted to call for an independent investigation of the police. Groups that support Andrew Meyer, a small group in support of the University Police. But in all of this no real protest. Oh, people are writing Sen. Kerry to say how disappointed they are in him. But what disappoints me is that a room full of people, including the Dean of Students and a United States Senator watched as the police--a piece of the Executive branch--used excessive force and a taser to bring down a lone 21 year old student who was unarmed and only wanted answers to his questions.

Somehow this will all be spun to show how absolutely bad he is. I've already read something about how he has acted like this before and there is the beginnings of the character assassination. Soon, they'll probably try to kick him out of the University or ask him (forcefully) to leave. Either way, his life at UF is over. In the end lets say everything does end up right. The Chief of police said that the officers can only use a taser when an officer may be harmed. Well, there are at least four officers there, one who looked like a pro-linebacker. Was there any harm to the police officers? No, so let's say that some or all of these officers are suspended. Meyer stays at the University. Are we to believe that a police force that uses excessive force will not antagonize him every chance they get?

This whole event stinks. And there is no way to make anything good come out of it. No answers. Nothing.

This could quite possibly change your life: http://www.myspace.com/diskreetsemangotrio

This should be played to cheer people up whenever they are feeling unhappy. Like whoa.

I've been flaking out with the grad school/law school thing. I have all of the apps I need to get on applying. Asking recommenders and such. Everything is slightly difficult because I don't want to waste our money, and I don't know where we're going to land. Maybe I should just forget about moving on in Spring and waiting for Fall Semester? Bah.

I also need to finish my paper. It is almost there.

I'm going to whine here, I guess.

I feel like the world is standing against me. So many people are standing for war. The people standing against war aren't loud enough. In fact there's no real reason to stand against the war because the current activists aren't going to back up anything they say with teeth. I mean, you elect a person to Congress and they sell out the Fourth Amendment (like the present Congress has done), what do you do? You recall them. You go to the governor and you recall the people. That's something. It'd be better if the people we elected would lock up the government. Force the resolve. They can do it. Shut it down. Stop paying people. Stop going on vacation. Shut down non-essential services. If the government of the American people is not going to act as the voters--the citizens want--then stop the government until it acts as the people want it to act. Why is it all so hard?

Lobbyists. Hillary Clinton says lobbyists stand for average Americans. Okay. According to polls she's supported by the "beer" democrats. The uneducated, blah blah blah. Obama is supported by the "Wine" Democrats. The intellectuals. Is it wrong that I support neither of them? Apparently, Obama did something wrong in Iowa because he complained to a bunch of people about the price of arugula--that's fancy lettuce for you beer drinkers. The people didn't know what Whole Foods or arugula was. On the West Wing, Jed Bartlett, president of the United States, once said that it was his duty to raise the common denominator of the country. I find that to be true. Completely. Now, I think it's a bit stupid to educate the public about the price of arugula in Whole Foods, but it's something. It's getting us somewhere, even if I'd never vote for him. Maybe four years from now. But not now. Senators use to be towering people who commanded respect. Now it's become a pit stop to the presidency. Not that any Senator has been elected president in years.

So I've been thinking about George McGovern too. A well educated Democrat who was destroyed by Richard Nixon in 1972. He would have brought us out of Vietnam. Kucinich is the only one of the Dems who would actually work to remove the troops. Obama wants to put our troops "where they belong," whatever that means.

I keep thinking about education too. I want a degree that will matter. Public policy/administration. I can do something, be there for people. Social policy. Figure out how to help people. I think constantly about volunteering. But I feel like it wouldn't do any good. I know that Annie and I are going to be moving soon. If we can get settled down then I'd love to start volunteering, if I could find something worth while. Gravel's campaign was/is a joke. People refuse to vote for Kucinich, why? I have no clue, he'll do exactly what the base and the populists want done, but no one will vote for him. Maybe because his wife is British?

I NYC, I say boys and girls club groups everywhere. Good things were happening. But I had to wonder, did all that last? Did those kids, when they reached their teens and it was no longer "cool" to go to museums and it became cool to have sex, do drugs, smoke, drink, fight, ditch school, did they? Do they? How bad is it in the end? Does it really make a difference? I just don't know.

For a while, I thought Europe was a place I could go to and be accepted. It took me five months to shut that idea down. They are progressive, more so than the U.S. But they are turning around, leaving their roots of social democracy and turning towards capitalism to save themselves.

You want to save the world? Become an agriculturalist. Learn that science. Learn how to grow food for people. Feed people. Marry a planner/engineer so that they can create the infrastructure. There. I just saved the world.

Current Mood: aggravated

I don't really knwo where to start out. I don't understand why more people aren't socialists. More importantly though, I don't understand why Gnosticism never caught on. I mean, come on...the light is inside you. You are a god. Jesus was human. You can save yourself by being good and livign a good life. How horrible is that? And even if it was horrible in the 3rd century, why can't we bring it back? Or take it back? Clerks brought back porch monkey...I'm advocating bringing back a good thing. A great thing. Love can lead us to better things. Knowledge can help us. Make us stronger and better.

For a short second today I thought about giving it all up and becoming one of those anti-globalization people. You know, the real anti-globalization people who exclude themselves from humanity and discuss people in terms of "givers" and "takers." I could go off and seek original wisdom, but I honestly don't think there's any left and there hasn't been for decades. Funny, firefox's spell check wants to turn globalization into either verbalization or cannibalization. Imagine that.

Another good observation from Modest Mouse--we kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves.

Can I figure out everything? Charles Mingus took off all his clothes once. In the middle of Central Park. He spent time at Bellvue after that. Then wrote Black Saint and the Sinner Lady. His masterpiece. I still listen to it every now and again for inspiration. It's the most powerful force I know. People don't talk about it enough.

He took it all right to the brink. The space where music was still melodic without losing completely the sense of group activity. I heard a piece by Leonard Bernstein tonight. It was like 22 people, jazz musicians I suppose, up on stage masturbating. Yeah, as a musician, I'm sure it'd be awesome to play that music. But it'd be for MY entertainment, not for the audience. I think you lose something soulful there. Something important in that. I never felt comfortable playing a piece only because I liked it...I thought that I had to give something to the audience to feel good about--to feel close to them; so we could know each other.

There are times when Isaac Brock seems insane.

Religion seriously bothers me. I just don't understand it. I've tried. I've thought about studying it. I considered talking to priests and holy people. Nothing really works. It's about enlightenment, and money. And a group atmosphere. There are universities now, thanks to T.J., that focus themselves around the library and learning instead of the church. So our new ideal religion is knowledge, Gnosticism? Not quite; they still buy into the church--whatever church it may be. Even UVA has a chapel. I was married there, I should know. Now there are colleges that surround around frat houses and girls gone wild.

Maybe we are all doomed?

I dream of a place that I'd like to go. People are happy. It's sunny and people smile. No one worries about the planes overhead, or the leadership. People just understand, and they read. They dance under the sun and prepare meals together. No one fears things that they can't talk openly about. People become sick and are healed, or they die. People mourn. But life centers around the relationship of the group. Around the friendships with other humans and the togetherness. But what's really wonderful is that everyone talks until they fall asleep, and then wake after dreams, realizing that they have all dreamed pieces of the same dream. I read about a place like this once. I don't think it exists anymore. I'm probably the only one that mourns it. And I was never there.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Interstate 8--Modest Mouse

You left without saying "I love you." You didn't turn around and wave and smile.

All I want is our life together; but that seems so difficult at times. I just want to make you happy and feel safe--I'm sorry I've failed at that.

So, Marc has a job interview. It's in NYC on Thursday. At 3:30. I'm taking the train there and back in the same day. If you're rich...and I know of people who do this, it is possible to take the Acela from D.C. to Richmond as a commuter. This means you'd live in D.C. or New York and live in the other place. Weird, eh?

Well, it's going to be one of the longest days of my life. I think it'll be so much fun though. And if I'm able to pull off getting this job, it'll be the next great and wonderful adventure in my life. I can do school part time. I would def. want to get in with the political people. Annie and I can go to meet-ups, and go to tapings at 30 Rock. The New York life.

I can't get too ahead of myself. But I really need this one. I need this to work out. So many let downs. i just need one little piece of professional goodness to happen.

I'll write more when I find out...anything. I'm gonna site see in the City too. I will write about that.

Current Mood: anxious

I got on to update. It's the first time I've looked at this stuff in weeks. And what happens? I get sucked into theremin videos. Thank you Meta.

The only other things that I've really been able to do is stare at my doppelgangers on okcupid. Yeah, I got an account on there. Specifically so that it would store the results of the fun test you can take on there and I wouldn't put them on here creating a cascade effect that takes about a month to run through the system before everyone I know and everyone they know and then on down the line are done taking that test, or tests as it may be. So it's all on there now. Well, okcupid "rates" you compared to other users, so I can see other people, male and female who are like me. I'm most interested in the males, because I've never really thought of myself as being remarkably like other men.

Well, it's addictive, because you find out you're "less kinky," "more adventurous,or "more trusting." But they've been deemed "like me." It's quite odd really. A physics professor, a fiction writer, and me, a graduate student in government sharing something on a deep level. I somehow doubt it. Although the physics guy does have a beard. Oh, one guy that's "like me" is 5' 3''. I suppose I could introduce him to my midget friends that live in the cabinets. Crazy.

So, this will be my only mention of the last two to three weeks. After this it shall be gone. Sirin and Sandy are both gone. Two for one deal I suppose. I'll be moving to Albany, Omaha, NYC, D.C., or Pitt soon, so it doesn't really matter because I've got four or so years there to make new friends and start a real life that doesn't involve high school or college as such.

The thing I'm most looking forward to is the hope that Annie and I can go hang out with people. Hopefully whatever new job she gets won't be as stressful and time consuming and we can share friends like we did in college and go out to bars and such as groups.

Part of me hopes for NYC and the New School, because I know those students will be most like me. But Albany seems so nice and cheap, and a good place to live. So does Pitt. Who knows where I'll end up, but wherever it is, at least I'll be there.

whatever is wrong with me has begun to manifest itself as insomnia. I want to sleep so badly. I can't. It's almost four am. I hate all of this at the moment. Why am I me?

Current Mood: melancholy

i've been high, and i've been down
my head in the clouds and my hands in the ground
in the arms of a woman, i found my way home
in the arms of a woman, i had been lost

when i'm so lost that this losing feel like dying
i hope you'll be by me then
when i'm so lost that this losing feel like dying
i hope you'll be by me then

as a young man, i was afraid
of my life, what would I make?
i would make love, what will i hate?
what bittersweet road will i take to my grave?

and if i'm old 'til this oldness have me dying
i hope you'll be by me then
oh, when i'm old 'til this oldness has me dying
i hope you'll be by me then
i hope you'll be by me then

sick of you, and i'm sick of me
i'm sick of wars, and i'm sick of peace
i'm sick of sound 'til i'm sick of silence
oh, sick of the darkness 'til i'm sick of the light

when i'm so sick that this sickness has me dying
i hope you'll be by me then
i hope you'll be by me then
oh, when i'm so sick that this sickness have me dying
i hope you'll be by me then

once, as a boy, i saw what happened
i saw them beat him down to the cold, cold ground
watched those big boys beat that man down
i was too weak to make a stand

when i'm so weak that this weakness feels like dying
i hope you'll be by me then
when i'm so weak that this weakness feels like dying
i hope you'll be by me then

when i'm old 'til this oldness feels like dying
i hope you'll be by me then

so i will live as i see fit
there will be those who will not like it
but in the arms of a woman, i found my way home
so to the arms of a woman, i will go

And if i'm old 'til this oldness has me dying
i hope you'll be by me then

Meta, I was joking. I never had a twin. Though my mother did want my middle name to be Caleb...

"Someone" replied to a recent post of mine and said:

"How dare you assume that 40 million babies that were aborted would have grown up poor? The poor aren't the ones who have abortions. The poor are the ones who actually keep their babies. People like stupid teenagers, or couples who don't want children because they're too busy with careers have abortions. And who's to say that they wouldn't amount to anything? They weren't given a chance to do anything. Nothing, but die. Somebody great could have been born, but because it was inconvient for the mother, they were killed. You say you're against murder. That's what abortion is. Murder. I don't care about trimesters or anything like that. It was alive. And it had its life taken away. It's the same as a person killing someone because they stood in the way of an inheritance. The same thing."

Now, this is what I actually wrote in my post:

"I also read that a new book is out that describes what the world would be like if we all suddenly disappeared. How the world would reclaim the areas that we've taken. But the book also discusses how we can be gentler to the earth--we can limit ourselves to only one child each. This would bring the population down to 1.6 billion. We're a little over 6 right now. You have to think that India, China, and parts of South and Latin American and Africa would get quite comfortable. But everything would suffer. Society would move slower and it reminds me of the Vonnegut story Welcome to the Monkey House (don't you like how it all comes around and proves a point?).

You know, we've reached the point where people have made the decision to not procreate and to instead help humans become extinct. I swear. They really do exist. To give you the perverse side of this though, Tom "The Hammer" Delay recently told a group of Young Republicans that had 40 million American babies not been aborted, then they could have taken the jobs that illegal immigrants take. 40 million less of us, but they were going to be the 40 million that didn't finish high school and would never pay as much into the system as they took out. Makes you wonder."


Now, as I stated, Tom Delay, former Congressman, stated that the 40 million babies would have been POOR and would have done those jobs that immigrants do. And I called this a perverse idea.

People are just stupid.

According to the Center for Disease Control (they keep the best statistics on this stuff), depending on if you use actual numbers or ratios (certain # out of 1,000 births) depends one who is having the msot abortions. Check out this information (comes from http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5511a1.htm?s_cid=ss5511a1_e):

"Women aged 20--24 years obtained 33% of all abortions for which age was adequately reported. Adolescents aged <15 years obtained <1.0% of all abortions in the 48 areas that reported age.... Abortion ratios were highest for adolescents aged <15 years (830 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for women aged 30--34 years (144 per 1,000) (Figure 2, Table 4). In contrast to abortion ratios...abortion rates were highest for women aged 20--24 years (31 per 1,000 women) and lowest for females at the extremes of reproductive age (1 per 1,000 adolescents aged 13--14 years and 3 per 1,000 women aged 40--44 years) (Table 4). Among women aged <20 years (46 reporting areas), the percentage of abortions obtained increased with age (Table 5); the abortion ratio, however, was highest for adolescents aged <15 years§ (828 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for women aged 19 years (328 per 1,000)."

This data shows that it is not, as this "someone" states, "People like stupid teenagers, or couples who don't want children because they're too busy with careers have abortions." The ratio looks bad, but think about how many people under the age of 15 have sex. If you look at the actual numbers (available on the website), then you see that the number of abortions go way up into the thousands for those over 15 and is much, much lower for those younger than 15 (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5511a1.htm?s_cid=ss5511a1_e#tab4).

Now, as for career-oriented people. Or the idea that many of these are married women who simply don't want children. According to the CDC, "[f]or women whose marital status was adequately reported (38 reporting areas), 80% of women who obtained abortions were known to be unmarried." Unmarried women with children, as it is well-known in the field of social policy, are the most impoverished people in the United States.

Now, socio-economic levels (i.e. the take-home income of the women receiving abortions) is not known. However, as I stated above, unmarried women are among the most poor in the country.

I didn't get into the idea that it was or was not murder. Though I must now state that it's not murder. In the third trimester, yes, a child can be brought to term. But it's not for me to decide. I'm male.

I feel slightly off right now.

Annie told me she thinks I'm slowly going insane.

Maybe so.

Did you know I have a twin who died at birth named Caleb? He's always with me.

I make myself laugh too much at the expense of others.


I was wrong.

Current Mood: blank

If any picture frame deserve to be shattered it's the one holding my university degree.

Current Location: staring at my dumb degree.
Current Mood: annoyed

I've become increasingly sleepless and neurotic. I feel mildly like Bridgette Jones. I was just eating cookie dough. I've increased the amount of Zoloft I'm taking. But I don't think it's really made me feel any better.

I just feel more confused. More Angry. More afraid. More sacrosanct.

There's so much I love. So mush that I want to do, but I just don't know anymore.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get

I began this summer with an interesting viewpoint and decided to go full force into it. I read so many books on Continental philosophy and critical theory that I honestly don't remember where one started and one ended anymore. I have to say that Zizek and Foucault came out of the experience well. I highly recommend anything they've written.

Once I figured out how to focus my new knowledge (Law School) I took on a book called How to Get into Law School. It's quite good, highly recommended and I think provides a really interesting viewpoint on how a Republican (or really any political person) does have the ability to set aside those political beliefs inside the classroom.

Paulo Coelho came next. The Alchemist. One of the best and most enlightened books I've ever read. I wouldn't mind seeing that book and The Holy by Daniel Quinn sold as a set. I think both say the same thing. With or without an overarching thing that created us all, there is a meaning to our lives and there are times (through coincidence or god) that point us in the direction we should go. It's our choice to follow those signs though. I have to say that after I read it I felt the power that others have felt when they read it. I didn't want to go off to Egypt or anything like that. But it did show me that I do indeed have a purpose and I should look for the signs that will take me there.

Vonnegut's last book, A Man Without a Country. I still am not sure how I feel about it. I know that it took my breathe away. The humor and the sadness. It showed me a different direction that I can take my writing. How writing can be serious, but fun at the same time. The only rule is that there are no rules. I don't think he said that, but he might as well have. One thing to take away from it is to stay away from semicolons; they are useful at times though. And rules should be broken. Take from that what you may.

Annie picked up Welcome to the Monkey House for me. It's a collection of Vonnegut short stories. They are amazing in small doses. They are stunning in their simplicity and shoking in the fact that they were all written before 1968 or so.

Tonight, I just started Suite Française. It was meant to be a set of five novellas set during WWII. The Author, a Russian Jew who immigrated to France during the 1919 revolution, wrote during the war. In 1942, after finishing two of the novellas, she was taken to the worst concentration camp and that is where she dies. I am enjoying the book very much. Mostly because it is so wonderful to see how she rights (and how she was translated with such care). All from memory, in constant fear, she wrote this stuff.

I'm hoping to find this book called Fatelessness. It was recommended to me and I have been unable to get my hands on it, but I hope to after I finish Suite.

I'm also a regular reader of Newsweek. This week's issue has a short piece on how girls are backlashing against the sexualized society by dressing more modestly. Apparently girls are supposed to wear padded bras to prevent people from knowing when you're cold.

So it's with that I'll move to a new topic. I honestly don't understand morals. I'm a huge believer in self-criticism. I've been looking at my own views. I speak about how sex is just sex. I think that people should share a strong emotional bond before having sex with each other, but I see (regulated) prostitution as not a problem. I use that as one example, but on all things I think I'm pretty far to the left. I was thinking about murder though, and my views on murder (and state murder--meaning execution). I am against the idea of murder, at any time for any reason. But I wonder about all of this killing. With no god, does killing matter? Does killing someone protect the rest of society? The real horror is that we can't look into the future and see the effect of murder or death.

Well, I know I won't change my feelings on killing people. We shouldn't. We should punish those who do, but not to the point of killing them as well. Nor will I change my feelings on sex, love, relationships, or any of the other moral ideas. I just wonder why there are people who are so afraid. Who look at things and say no, that girls should wear dresses and make dinner.

I also read that a new book is out that describes what the world would be like if we all suddenly disappeared. How the world would reclaim the areas that we've taken. But the book also discusses how we can be gentler to the earth--we can limit ourselves to only one child each. This would bring the population down to 1.6 billion. We're a little over 6 right now. You have to think that India, China, and parts of South and Latin American and Africa would get quite comfortable. But everything would suffer. Society would move slower and it reminds me of the Vonnegut story Welcome to the Monkey House (don't you like how it all comes around and proves a point?).

You know, we've reached the point where people have made the decision to not procreate and to instead help humans become extinct. I swear. They really do exist. To give you the perverse side of this though, Tom "The Hammer" Delay recently told a group of Young Republicans that had 40 million American babies not been aborted, then they could ahve taken the jobs that illegal immigrants take. 40 million less of us, but they were going to be the 40 million that didn't finish high school and would never pay as much into the system as they took out. Makes you wonder.

Really if I could just make one change it wouldn't be a big one. We wouldn't have military bases overseas, we'd move funding from the military into other things...you know, actual useful things. We'd help soldiers pay for college like we always have. But why can't we go to high school students and say you get a 3.0 in high school, you promise to become a teacher, we'll pay for your teacher-related degree and to get your teaching certificate, you teach for 2 to 4 years (depending on the education we paid for--4 for a private school, 2 for an instate public). If you drop out of school in the first year, we deal with it, if you go 2 or more years you pay us back, if you don't complete the teaching requirement you pay us back. Thousands of teachers. Thousands. Wouldn't you have taken that deal? I would have. We have the money for it. But it's tied up in weapons systems and paying contractors.

At the end of Vonnegut's life, he had sort of lost hope. But he still had hope in us young people. I guess what I take from it is that one day I too will be depressed over what has happened and how little of a change I really made (or any of us for that matter). But I'll still have hope in the younger people.

I gotta go to bed now.

I've stayed up a bit later than I wanted to.

Current Location: My big comfy couch
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: A beer commercial...::sigh::